That little lump in my throat keeps growing bigger and I can't find a way to make it stop. School is getting harder and the days are getting shorter. This cold isn't helping much either. My amazing boyfriend gives me a hand and a  positive word when I need one. I don't know what I'd do with out him since lately all my best friend has been concerned with is her 'single girl problems' as she puts it. oh well. Life has its ups and downs.

some hurt never goes away.

wait, what? things are actually going the way i've wanted them to all along? that's pretty crazy. but i love it(:

can you talk to me about something real? a little substance in our conversations would be nice. i like meat. im a big girl. i can chew it. i wont choke. i promise.

Through.

im tired of being good. im tired of not being trusted. im tired of being 12 again. im tired of crying every night. im tired of feeling like shit and having to look like im fine. im tired of thinking to hard. im tired of trying. im tired of this. im just tired. im going to bed. goodnight.

i hurt. and i say things i dont mean. and i just want this to be over. all of it. i want to crawl into a hole and close my eyes and melt away. im so through.

choose your battles

thats a statement i really need to embrace. sometimes its good just not to argue for the sake of not being heard. to many emotions at once cause things to be said that you dont really mean. well, they may be meant in to moment, but they make you feel like crap after the fact. #experience

I've learned two things this week. You can't hold on to things that mattered yesterday, and never let go of the things that will still matter tomorrow.

sometimes it hurts to be a speck.

finally.

ive finally let go of everything. ive found that i am merely a speck on the face of the universe and what i do in life really doesn't matter. i am here for a reason, but that reason is for me to figure out. i will try to be as good as i can. i will not judge. everyone is only trying to do the best they can for themselves. its not my job to tell them how to do their life right. ive found love. love that i cant get away from. it feels great and im not letting it go for anything. its more than ive ever felt before. i dont even care anymore. its just gonna happen. theres a time for everyone. i think this is mine. no. i know this is mine.

"lets do it tonight cause we might not get tomorrow." thats how im living this year. live life loud. no regrets. no looking back. this is it.

sometimes i feel like i am suspended in mid air and someone has tied strings to my limbs and is controlling all my actions. i don't know why i do the things i do. they just happen. its like i can't make myself do what i know i need to do, but i do the things i know i shouldn't. yeahh i know its all my fault. oh well.

a girl that graduated class of '11 died yesterday. i didn't know her. i don't know the details. i just know she overdosed. lifes to short. my heart hurts.

sometimes the best days don't involve big electornics and things to entertain us. i dont need air conditioning or flat screen tvs. today was a great day. and all i really did was sit on a plastic float and float down a river with my best friend. oh yeahh. and sing reaaally loud and dance with her in the car with my mom(: today was a good day. oh yeahh. and the banana pancakes and cheese cake ice cream weren't too bad either.

so it is finally summer time. ive done all those wonderful summer time things, but i cant help thinking..its all going by so fast. its like yesterday i was counting down the days till eoc's, and now its 2 weeks into summer! time really does fly. i started off my summer with a terrible fight with my best friend and havn't talked to her since. ive been to the lake, hiking, watched tonns of movies, made good food, ran at the y, and eaten too many sweets to make up for it(: i think ive made up for the crappy beginning. next week is summer camp and i can not wait!

Lets throw 16 years of memories in the trash and not let it bother us. Thats good for the soul.

I dont like it when people do things that i know the consequences of. I already made that mistake and i know how its going to leave them when its over. I know how it makes tjings worse when you put youre lifes mess on facebook for the world to see and i hate seeing the drama that unfolds from it. The consequences i predicted.i hate watching people play my mistakes over again in front of my eyes with their own lives.makes me sick.

I feel like im missing something. I have everything.. And im happy more than im not, i just feel like theres something infront of me that i cant see. Or just havnt gotten the courage to reach out and grab.

I got second out of 5 amazing speeches and im feeling pretty awesome(: first totally deserved first, and second is perfect because i dont have to go on to the next contest! I will cherish my little silver medal for years to come :D

I hate bad memories. I hate accidently reading an old message or seeing something that reminds me of bad memories. I wish i could do anything just to erase them from my head. Im so tired of feeling like this. Im tired of remembering old times and old friends and people that i used to be able to sit and laugh with for hours but now its just so different it hurts. I hate change. I hate revelation. I hate not knowing whats going to happen next...

havn't posted in a long time. i dont really do much. not much intertesting is going on really... my life pretty much consists of school, practicing my sax, listening to music, running, making/eating dinner, and sleeping. yeahh. good update, i know.

time for a listtt

1. so we started the new semester wednesday. i have hard classes, but it makes the day go by faster cause i'm more concentrated on my work and not the clock. its excitinggg. i have new classes, with new people. which comes with new problems. but thats okayy.

2. 180 weekend was fun. the thing a remember most was our service project. we had to clean a house that a guy had inherited from his parents, but it was extremely dirty and he'd had a stroke and couldn't clean it up. i'm pretty sure the guys parents were horders or close to it cause the place was awful. i don't know how he lived there. there were bugs and jars full of leaves and we found denchers in the kitchen cabinet! but the guy we helped was so sweet and so greatful for what we did and prayed for us when we left. the whole weekend was really fun minus a little drama here and there. but hey, what do you expect with a group of girls together for 48 hours.

3. last weeekend i also figured out that people aren't always who you think they are, no matter how long you've known them. people have all kinds of sides and personalities that come out at different times. its just frustrating to find out someone is not who you thought they were. which has been happening to me a lot lately. its hard to trust people when you know that in the future they could completely betray you or just strait out lie to your face.

4. its hard when people are struggling with things that you cant relate to. all that i can say is sorry or you'll get through it or they don't really mean it. i can't really give advice. i guess thats good sometimes, but its just weird. i can't even imagine some of the things people tell me and i feel stupid just sayin..well sorry. its just hard to have friends that have issues. even tho i love em. id just like to know what to say to make it all better.

5. i can not wait until i get my liscense. i want that little bit more freedom to just be able to do what i want when i want and where i want. its gonna be greatt. im hoping my mom trusts me enough to let me actually drive places when i get it tho.

Oh life. Why must you do this to me? Lately my life consists of jack johnson, ingrid michaelson, and various yoga streches. If i could pick anythibg to describe my state of being right now it would be a cub of water. Its just sitting there. It has the ability to save lives, nourish, and revive. But it cant do anything until someone does something with it. But sadly, i just want to be cooped in my little cup where its safe and there is hardly risk of mistake or changes or loss or failure. Well see how long that lasts..

How long can you long for something before you break and the pressure overcomes you? Its been a long, hard year. Nothing significant to give me and..more than happy moments. I guess im still dancing in the rain. I hate weather.

Im sorry im not the perfect girl, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter or the perfect sister. I'm trying my best. I have to many flaws. But im a teenager. Crap happens. Im not saying crap is okay, but peole do things they regret. And those people dont need you to tell them how wrong it was or what a terrible person they are for doing it. Trust me. It hurts enough as it is.