limits.

i am so controlled. have so many limitations. as small as don't pee in the yard. as large as don't leave the house without parents knowing. i must go to church ever wednesday and sunday. i must go to school for 6 hours every day. i must breathe as long as i am alive. i must be named leah kathryn mull untill i am 18 when i have the decision to change it or get married. or keep it. i can't drive alone until i am 16. i cant date a boy alone until i'm 16. i can't buy drugs. i cant drink alcohol. i can't punch someone in the face when i get angry. i am on lock down until i am of legle age. to be an adult. my own person. for my safty? some of it is. but i would like to have fun while i can. instead of being nailed to the ground like a dog. i dont want to be a dog. i want to be like the rest of the teenagers i know. alive. breathing. but thriving. i dont want to be a bad person. i just want to be more than good. not a stick in the mud.

issues.

sometimes i wonder why i do the things i do. and why i say the things i say. and sometimes i regret things, and tell myself i dont. a lot of the time i say things with out thinking, and then refuse to take them back. because i'm stubborn. i can't stop thinking when i shouldn't be. and i can't think when i should. i get myself into situations i cant get out of. that might ruin a friendship. ruin a life. ruin a love. i want to have fun. but i want to keep myself under control. i do have a limit. i won't cross it.

poem.

the sweet innocence
of a broken heart
the forever love
that fell apart

to last forever
is only a dream
for the innocent heart
to be redeemed.

my work during princ of buis today.

liar liar..

today i found out that another family has left the church. i'm tired of this. i hear my mom talking on the phone say...its falling apart...but i'm afraid to ask why. its those questions that aren't supposed to be asked...but they scream through my brain every second. i lay in bed for hours thinking them over and over again, trying to answer them myself but i just can't. i ask myself if god is really real. and what if he isn't? but how can he not be. how could i ever allow myself to think a thought like that. i am a good christian girl that never does anything wrong. that anyone knows about of course. tonight mr brady said "how could you say you hate someone you can see, but love someone you can't see." i ask myself the same question. i dont think i hate anyone. but when you subsequently say..i hate them...do i really mean it, or are they just meaningless words. please answer me. i don't hear anything anymore.

my life.

lately i've just been hurting. drama thats happened over the summer to me and my friends, and my retarded church situation are just getting to me a lot more lately than they have before. I feel like i'm lying to everyone i talk to if i smile. luckily i enjoy all my classes this year, because we do a lot of things and the day goes by quickly. the class i enjoy most is principles of business, not for the teacher [even thought she's cool] but for my classmates. on the first day of school i was the last one into the class and the only seat left was around all the creepy looking senior guys and right beside a guy who i used to be in band with. i was quiet the entire first week because i didn't want to say anything stupid, but one day a guy said something about adam and eve, relating to a question the teacher had asked. the guy across the table said that he didn't believe in that 'crap' and continued to tell us he was agnostic. the boy beside me quickly said he was too...but thats just what people 'said'. suddenly the quiet guy on the other side of the table said "i'm a christian and i don't care what people think about it". he doesn't know it, but that really made my day. i never speak about my religion like that. if someone asks i will certainly tell them, but i'm not bold enough to just state it into the open like that. and i thought he was scary. i have learned not to judge people on their outer appearance before, but i know these guys are sweet at heart. and they are so funny! they're really stubborn, but hopefully i can get something in their heads before the end of the semester. mitch thinks i'm an idiot, but thats cause he's only heard my input on cars and metal bands. wait till he hears me talk about something that actually interests me. i can put in a good battle.


Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
William James