sometimes i dont do things just because i dont want someone to think i'm doing it just for them. i dont want to do something and feel like i'm doing it to make someone tell me i'm good, or congratulate me or something. it just doesnt feel right. somethings....i just have to do alone. for myself. to make myself feel like i've accomplished something. if not, i feel like its pointless. if i do it for someone else to see i'm greedy and i dont feel the same. that may not be the case, but nomatter what i tell myself, thats my brain insists on believing. thats why i dont sing in front of people, or play guitar, or practice my saxophone. thats why i write poems and things in a notebook and hide it so no one reads them. and it also may be because i dont want to think its good, and then someone tell me i'm not as good as i thought i was. i'd rather not make a fool of myself. i like having that good feeling inside, doing things no one knows about. i like to vacuum with out my mom noticing, or make my brother food all the time. i just dont want attention. i dont like to be noticed. most of the time. on some ocasions i dont mind if all eyes are on me, but sometimes i just want to be myself for myself. this is probably just all ramblings...but oh well. i'm getting stuff out of my brain.

i had a bad day today.i havn't had a just...all around bad day in a while. but today was bad. my dad woke me up at 6:30 when i was planning on sleeping till 7 and it just made me mad. and i guess thats where my source of anger came from. i read the whole time in spanish and sounded like an idiot when i didn't know the answers to ms macs insane questions. then we had a retarded benchmark in civics that was long and made my neck stiff and i just didn't feel good at all. at lunch i wasn't hungry and we didn't have a very interesting conversation. in pod i read...and josh tried to get what was wrong out of me but i really had nothing to tell him. i was just in a terribly bad mood and then they were like wow talk about pms. and that made me more mad cause i'm not pmsing. in foods we cooked and d would not get off my butt and everything i did she would comment on or be like watd you do that for...but when i turned and walked away from her to keep from slapping her in the face she called me a bitch which turned me into a little fire ball. i managed to restrain myself though. megan helped. we watched ramona and beezus and it was hilarious. cute move to watch after a bad day.

Do i dare think about the possibilities? if i'd done something different...what the outcome would've been. from weeks ago....if i'd just changed one sentence i'd said how my life would be right now. if that would've been any better than how my life is right now. i wish i had a rewind button. is there such thing us coincidence? is it all just chance? could it be different? and what about if what people gossip about it really true...what if it is? what if its all exactly what they say? am i really that blind? maybe i should just not worry about it. move on. look to the future. wake up and smell the roses. pandora isn't really helping me right now. its playing every song that could possibly remind me of what i'm trying not to think about. i need a break from reality. and a week ago i didnt want to go to sleep because my life was better than my dreams. now i don't want to wake up. i dont even know whats wrong. i guess i'm tired of myself. my personality...how i always mess things up. or how things mess me up. how do i get myself into these situations? i feel light headed. actually...right now i have a head ache. i dont know if its from the hot chocolate i drank earlier or all the thoughts that have been running through my head and stressing me out all day long. i hate feeling like this. i want to go back to two weeks ago where i couldn't catch my breath because i was so surprised that my life was going so good. last spring i didn't think i  could ever smile again. i guess i've replace the hapiness i used to have with other things. i just can't stand to think about that. its exactly what i've been taught not to do all my life...theres only one person that can make you truely happy. but i'm starting to realize that thats whats ruined my life. its what brings tears to my eyes everytime i think about it. i can't stand it. yeah...i've made amazing friends through it. but i don't think its worth the tears i've cried because of it. having to go to school with a fake smile and say everythings alright when my insides are about to tear through my chest. when a waterfalls about to explode through my eyes. i just can't stand it.blehhhhhhhhhhh. i want to scream. but i know my life can be so much worse...and i'm thankful its not. but still. this just sucks right now.

now.

is it this knot in my throat that wont go away thats making me do things that i wouldn't normally do before? things that have happened this year....that have made me question life. things that have changed my life. are changing my life...for better or for worse. and theres always a fist beating on my chest. and my head feel heavy on my shoulders. will what i've done make it any better? or just make the knot grow larger. i'm just tired. i miss people. people who made me good...made me want to be good...not that i am bad. but i could be...better. i'm tired of working for a goal that i will never reach. a goal that i'm not sure is even tactical. maybe i've wasted my life on something that doesn't exist. or maybe i'm going to. do i take the left road...or the right. or i could just plow my own path through the middle....yeah. that sounds good...for now anyways.

i'm to stressed outt. i just....need to calm down and take life day by day. i'm not gonna die...lord willing...and i'm not gonna let myself feel dead inside. deep breathh. just keep going. you'll be through it sooner or later. but sooner would be preferable... :P