Do i dare think about the possibilities? if i'd done something different...what the outcome would've been. from weeks ago....if i'd just changed one sentence i'd said how my life would be right now. if that would've been any better than how my life is right now. i wish i had a rewind button. is there such thing us coincidence? is it all just chance? could it be different? and what about if what people gossip about it really true...what if it is? what if its all exactly what they say? am i really that blind? maybe i should just not worry about it. move on. look to the future. wake up and smell the roses. pandora isn't really helping me right now. its playing every song that could possibly remind me of what i'm trying not to think about. i need a break from reality. and a week ago i didnt want to go to sleep because my life was better than my dreams. now i don't want to wake up. i dont even know whats wrong. i guess i'm tired of myself. my personality...how i always mess things up. or how things mess me up. how do i get myself into these situations? i feel light headed. actually...right now i have a head ache. i dont know if its from the hot chocolate i drank earlier or all the thoughts that have been running through my head and stressing me out all day long. i hate feeling like this. i want to go back to two weeks ago where i couldn't catch my breath because i was so surprised that my life was going so good. last spring i didn't think i  could ever smile again. i guess i've replace the hapiness i used to have with other things. i just can't stand to think about that. its exactly what i've been taught not to do all my life...theres only one person that can make you truely happy. but i'm starting to realize that thats whats ruined my life. its what brings tears to my eyes everytime i think about it. i can't stand it. yeah...i've made amazing friends through it. but i don't think its worth the tears i've cried because of it. having to go to school with a fake smile and say everythings alright when my insides are about to tear through my chest. when a waterfalls about to explode through my eyes. i just can't stand it.blehhhhhhhhhhh. i want to scream. but i know my life can be so much worse...and i'm thankful its not. but still. this just sucks right now.