okay heres my new years bit.

so much has happened. i typed this big long note on my ipod 2 nights ago about '10 but i don't feel it is appropriate to put on a public blog. this year has held heartbreak. loss. deception. its been filled to the brim with tears. but i think those were overcome with happiness. though there was loss, we found something that would've never been found in any other way. we experienced something that brought us closer than we ever could've been with out it. we have missed things. not done things the traditional way, but we've become new. refreshed. better. and it will continue to grow and get even better. and that is all.

today i woke up at 12:30. listened to music. stalked people on facebook. did the dishes. brought wii fit downstairs but didn't do anything with it. listened to more music. threw my dogs toy and watched him chase after it and run into a wall [ha]. i've been oh so productive, i know. and now i'm supposed to write a confession. about what? there is nothing significant in my life that anyone could be possibly interested in. oh well.

Day 10

1. i am satisfied with my oh so boring life. and am happy about it. bamm

okay so i just got back from shopping with mary beth and we didn't kill each other! it was actually kind of funn. i got a really cute belt that has a shiny belt buckle on it and a long sleeve shirt for 2 dollars (because my mom gave me $20 kohls cash for Christmas). i guess we're going to church tonight, and whoo knowss what we're doin for new years. yayy

Day 9

1. ;)
2. :P

I had a very long and interesting conversation with some one i hardly talk to anymore. i think thats one of my favorite things to do...talk to an old friend about memories that make you laugh out loud. if only we could replay those.

Day 8

1. laughter. it fuels the soul ----oooooh deeeeep(:
2. ^^long conversations that aren't about nothing. they make my heart flutterr.
3. humbleness. being able to admit you're wrong.

Today i have done absolutley nothing and its been sooo great(: i watched dispicable me and played pointless games on my ipod(: we're going out to eat in downtown charlotte tonight and then to the bobcats game. they probably won't win, but it'll still be fun(:

Day 7

1. drugs of any kind. especially dipping. ew!
2. northern accents get on my nerves. i don't know whyy.
3. not telling the whole truth.
4. talking about yourself all the time. sometimes in perfectly fine, i like hearing about others and stuff, but when thats the main subject 24/7 i can't stand it.

Christmas went by so fast! it was soo much fun(: part of me is glad that the stress of it is over, but i always wish i could have the excitement back.
 i got

•  an ipod touch(((:
• toy story 3
• an art set. don't know what i'll do with it yet, but i'll figure something out
• a fossil purse (very cute!)
• a purple sweater
• $25 target gift card
• $20 khols cash
• pajamas (wearing them right now!)
• Banana Grams (best game everrrr)
• 3 rings, a hat and a scarf
• body wash and a lufa
• chocolate
• 3 pairs of earings
• a spatula(: [a prankk gift]
• a cookbook
• a french coffe maker [the maker part is french. not the coffe]
• itunes gift cards
• annnnd probably some more stuff that i cant remember lol(:

all in all it was a great Christmas, especially because we got snow!!

Day 5

1. opened up to them.
2. told her my secret.
3. ate all those cranberries.
4. said something before thinking.
5. waited.
6. gave him a chance.

andd Day 6 since i missed yesterday

1.  My parents [of course]
2. Patty Maness
3. The Bruces
4. My grandparents
5. The Ludwigs

Today is Christmas eve! tonight we're going to a christmas eve service for the first time and i have been recruited to read luke 2 to the congregation. i'm hoping that not many people show up. i'm soo excited about tomorrow! for once i don't have any clue what i'm getting. by now i've usually seen or figured out whats in all the boxes, but this year i just can't. excitinggg(:

Day 4

1. what was i just doing?
2. will you please be quiet.
3. whatd i do with my phone?
4. i need to write that down.
5. is it really that time already?
6. why havn't they texted me?
7. i need to get off the computer.

Merry Christmas 'Adam'! people put that on facebook and i've never heard it before and its funny and yaya and i'm about to go see my best friend for the first time in a while and i'm excited and heres day 3(:

Day 3

1. Keep a conversation going with out filling it with empty words. talk about intelligent things.
2. make me laugh. not just giggle awkwardly.
3. make me something and don't tell anyone else about it. i hate when guys do stuff just to get 'brownie points'
4. sing me a song. even if your tone deaf. i love in 'the last song' when they're ridin in the truck singing(: too cute!
5. talk to my parents. they're not scary, just intimidating. dont try to hide from them.
6. tell me i'm beautiful and mean it.
7. be happy when i'm not, and don't expect me to be happy back. i don't expect any one but me to understand this. but yeah.
8. don't be afraid to do something unexpected(:

yay! first day of Christmas break and i'm up at 9:30, but thats okay. i'll have more of the day to spend time doing nothing!! wahoo.

Day Two

1. i love music (especially Chrismas music, which i'm listening to currently :D)
2. i love getting random texts that are just to make me happy.
3. i love sending texts that are just to make someone happy.
4. i am going to marry david archuleta one day.
5. i like listening to others problems, because they're so crazy sometimes, but i'm not good at giving advice.
6. i believe that every Christmas should be white. but it never seems to happen.
7. i love to laugh, but sometimes i can't stop laughing. and then i don't like it so much.
8. i love to cry too. especailly with a group of my best friends about something that means a lot to all of us.
9. i love winter! and i can't get over how its only 3 days till Christmas! sooo so crazyyyy(:

i love you!

i'm stealing this from mikaella who stole it from a person named sara. so thank you sara for giving me something to blog about(:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot to you (in no order).

Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession.

        Day One

1. If you ever left me i don't know what i'd do.
2.  thanks you for bringing me that box. i meant to tell you merry christmas but it slipped my mind.
3. Please just be yourself. no one cares about that but you.
4. thank you so much. you give to much up for me.
5. please just talk to me. it kills me to walk past when you don't.
6. i don't mean to be so brutal. its just that i know you can do better, yet you don't.
7. yeah, i do love you. but not like that. stop texting me so much.
8. dont leave me. i dont seem to mind, but i dont know what id do with out you.
9. how could you do this to all of us? do you not feel even a little guilty?
10. i miss you and love you and hope that you have a merry christmas.

so i got out of school early to go wish my sister happy birthday! the big 2-1. shes getting old.

tomorrows the deca compitition. its a club, dont ask what we do. to tell ya the truth i dont really know. i'm kinda freakin out though cause i havn't been to the meetings and i dont have any friends that are in it. i dont want to be the weirdo walkin around by herself tomorrow. or sitting on the bus alone :P pray some quick friends would be really nice!!

sometimes i dont do things just because i dont want someone to think i'm doing it just for them. i dont want to do something and feel like i'm doing it to make someone tell me i'm good, or congratulate me or something. it just doesnt feel right. somethings....i just have to do alone. for myself. to make myself feel like i've accomplished something. if not, i feel like its pointless. if i do it for someone else to see i'm greedy and i dont feel the same. that may not be the case, but nomatter what i tell myself, thats my brain insists on believing. thats why i dont sing in front of people, or play guitar, or practice my saxophone. thats why i write poems and things in a notebook and hide it so no one reads them. and it also may be because i dont want to think its good, and then someone tell me i'm not as good as i thought i was. i'd rather not make a fool of myself. i like having that good feeling inside, doing things no one knows about. i like to vacuum with out my mom noticing, or make my brother food all the time. i just dont want attention. i dont like to be noticed. most of the time. on some ocasions i dont mind if all eyes are on me, but sometimes i just want to be myself for myself. this is probably just all ramblings...but oh well. i'm getting stuff out of my brain.

i had a bad day today.i havn't had a just...all around bad day in a while. but today was bad. my dad woke me up at 6:30 when i was planning on sleeping till 7 and it just made me mad. and i guess thats where my source of anger came from. i read the whole time in spanish and sounded like an idiot when i didn't know the answers to ms macs insane questions. then we had a retarded benchmark in civics that was long and made my neck stiff and i just didn't feel good at all. at lunch i wasn't hungry and we didn't have a very interesting conversation. in pod i read...and josh tried to get what was wrong out of me but i really had nothing to tell him. i was just in a terribly bad mood and then they were like wow talk about pms. and that made me more mad cause i'm not pmsing. in foods we cooked and d would not get off my butt and everything i did she would comment on or be like watd you do that for...but when i turned and walked away from her to keep from slapping her in the face she called me a bitch which turned me into a little fire ball. i managed to restrain myself though. megan helped. we watched ramona and beezus and it was hilarious. cute move to watch after a bad day.

Do i dare think about the possibilities? if i'd done something different...what the outcome would've been. from weeks ago....if i'd just changed one sentence i'd said how my life would be right now. if that would've been any better than how my life is right now. i wish i had a rewind button. is there such thing us coincidence? is it all just chance? could it be different? and what about if what people gossip about it really true...what if it is? what if its all exactly what they say? am i really that blind? maybe i should just not worry about it. move on. look to the future. wake up and smell the roses. pandora isn't really helping me right now. its playing every song that could possibly remind me of what i'm trying not to think about. i need a break from reality. and a week ago i didnt want to go to sleep because my life was better than my dreams. now i don't want to wake up. i dont even know whats wrong. i guess i'm tired of myself. my personality...how i always mess things up. or how things mess me up. how do i get myself into these situations? i feel light headed. actually...right now i have a head ache. i dont know if its from the hot chocolate i drank earlier or all the thoughts that have been running through my head and stressing me out all day long. i hate feeling like this. i want to go back to two weeks ago where i couldn't catch my breath because i was so surprised that my life was going so good. last spring i didn't think i  could ever smile again. i guess i've replace the hapiness i used to have with other things. i just can't stand to think about that. its exactly what i've been taught not to do all my life...theres only one person that can make you truely happy. but i'm starting to realize that thats whats ruined my life. its what brings tears to my eyes everytime i think about it. i can't stand it. yeah...i've made amazing friends through it. but i don't think its worth the tears i've cried because of it. having to go to school with a fake smile and say everythings alright when my insides are about to tear through my chest. when a waterfalls about to explode through my eyes. i just can't stand it.blehhhhhhhhhhh. i want to scream. but i know my life can be so much worse...and i'm thankful its not. but still. this just sucks right now.

now.

is it this knot in my throat that wont go away thats making me do things that i wouldn't normally do before? things that have happened this year....that have made me question life. things that have changed my life. are changing my life...for better or for worse. and theres always a fist beating on my chest. and my head feel heavy on my shoulders. will what i've done make it any better? or just make the knot grow larger. i'm just tired. i miss people. people who made me good...made me want to be good...not that i am bad. but i could be...better. i'm tired of working for a goal that i will never reach. a goal that i'm not sure is even tactical. maybe i've wasted my life on something that doesn't exist. or maybe i'm going to. do i take the left road...or the right. or i could just plow my own path through the middle....yeah. that sounds good...for now anyways.

i'm to stressed outt. i just....need to calm down and take life day by day. i'm not gonna die...lord willing...and i'm not gonna let myself feel dead inside. deep breathh. just keep going. you'll be through it sooner or later. but sooner would be preferable... :P

and it goes on...

good good good and gone. everything goes so greatt for a few weeks...and then i get stabbed in the throat twice in one weekend. thanks. and it was supposed to be the best weekend ever. i've spent half of it in the fetile position.

lovely.

yeshh :)

i used to drag my feet everyday. watch the clock while i sat in class. look up colleges online. pray that time would move faster so i could get on with life. now i hope that there are more hours in each day. i can't go to sleep because i don't want the day to end. i have good days during the week as well as the weekend. i smile, and actually feel happy. i can't stop laughing. i think about things that used to make me cry, but they just don't matter anymore. there is so much more to life than the past. "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." Ralph Waldo Emerson. Maybe now All experiments should be made, but i will certainly be Happy being a teenager and get all i can out of it before i become an old fartt. i LOVE high school. and i never thought i would say that. but i NEVER want this to end :). Hopefully this feeling will last a while... i love it <3

i have become...older. in a short amount of time. i am listening to jack johnson. talking to a boy. and my best friend. i think i've...changed? but i don't know how. i have embraced new ways of living. but i haven't i am the same. but different. i don't know. i have become hardened to lies. but so emotional when it comes to absence..or death..or leaving. i play guitar. and sing. and let my emotions out. whether angry..or sad..or joyful. i spend my days on the computer. listening to pandora...my favorite being jack johnson radio. i miss people. lots of them. but i'm slowly becoming accustomed to life now. hopefully it won't change again. not quite as drastically anyways. i am happy. i have amazing weekends. school is actually not to bad. i enjoy my classes. i've made new friends. but i've also lost old. but i really don't think they were much of a loss. i have few friends now. but i know they are so close and dear to me. more than any i've had before. including old ones i havn't seen in a long time...and thats all i have for now.

forgetfulness.

i had a thought about something i wanted to blog about but i can't remember what it was. i guess it wasn't that important...or maybe i'll remember it later.

better days are ahead.

okay. so i know that people change...all the time. i know that people can go from good to bad in a day. or from bad to good. but theres some people that just have that personality...that no matter who they decide to be, they will always be the same. no matter who they're dating...or not dating. no matter where they spend their Sunday morning...or Friday night. some people...no matter how many times they say sorry, or call me a jerk, i will still have the same hatred, or love, for them. some people just can't change...all the way.

Some people aren't even who you think they are. i love when first impressions change. no matter good or bad. i like knowing that i know someone. being able to see through the shell that everyone grows on their emotions and seeing if they're really as happy as they're trying to seem. or as sad. i like braking through a closed door. even if there's something nasty on the other side. i just have to push until i get through. i am going to make a confession. i love school this year. its just fun. my classes are fun this semester and i've met some totally awsome people. that i had the wrong impression for the first day of school. and might still. but i love them the same. so according to the first paragraph, i always will. they're might not be perfect but i know they have good hearts.

on another note. drugs are absolutely disgusting. I will never kiss a boy that has smoked...ever...in his life. or dipped. especially not dipped. i can't believe how someone can enjoy have a piece of dirt wedged into their lip. it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. u can trust that i will never do either of those things. talk about blehh.

this weekend is going to be good. hopefully. tonight i'm going to a pampered chef party and its going to be tons of fun and yummy food. i'm going to the ashbrook game with megan and madeline friday night and then spending the night with somebody. don't know who yet. saturday we're hanging out. maybe goin to see a movie. sunday i have church and we're going to scarowinds sunday night because we don't have school on monday :) i'm excited.

limits.

i am so controlled. have so many limitations. as small as don't pee in the yard. as large as don't leave the house without parents knowing. i must go to church ever wednesday and sunday. i must go to school for 6 hours every day. i must breathe as long as i am alive. i must be named leah kathryn mull untill i am 18 when i have the decision to change it or get married. or keep it. i can't drive alone until i am 16. i cant date a boy alone until i'm 16. i can't buy drugs. i cant drink alcohol. i can't punch someone in the face when i get angry. i am on lock down until i am of legle age. to be an adult. my own person. for my safty? some of it is. but i would like to have fun while i can. instead of being nailed to the ground like a dog. i dont want to be a dog. i want to be like the rest of the teenagers i know. alive. breathing. but thriving. i dont want to be a bad person. i just want to be more than good. not a stick in the mud.

issues.

sometimes i wonder why i do the things i do. and why i say the things i say. and sometimes i regret things, and tell myself i dont. a lot of the time i say things with out thinking, and then refuse to take them back. because i'm stubborn. i can't stop thinking when i shouldn't be. and i can't think when i should. i get myself into situations i cant get out of. that might ruin a friendship. ruin a life. ruin a love. i want to have fun. but i want to keep myself under control. i do have a limit. i won't cross it.

poem.

the sweet innocence
of a broken heart
the forever love
that fell apart

to last forever
is only a dream
for the innocent heart
to be redeemed.

my work during princ of buis today.

liar liar..

today i found out that another family has left the church. i'm tired of this. i hear my mom talking on the phone say...its falling apart...but i'm afraid to ask why. its those questions that aren't supposed to be asked...but they scream through my brain every second. i lay in bed for hours thinking them over and over again, trying to answer them myself but i just can't. i ask myself if god is really real. and what if he isn't? but how can he not be. how could i ever allow myself to think a thought like that. i am a good christian girl that never does anything wrong. that anyone knows about of course. tonight mr brady said "how could you say you hate someone you can see, but love someone you can't see." i ask myself the same question. i dont think i hate anyone. but when you subsequently say..i hate them...do i really mean it, or are they just meaningless words. please answer me. i don't hear anything anymore.

my life.

lately i've just been hurting. drama thats happened over the summer to me and my friends, and my retarded church situation are just getting to me a lot more lately than they have before. I feel like i'm lying to everyone i talk to if i smile. luckily i enjoy all my classes this year, because we do a lot of things and the day goes by quickly. the class i enjoy most is principles of business, not for the teacher [even thought she's cool] but for my classmates. on the first day of school i was the last one into the class and the only seat left was around all the creepy looking senior guys and right beside a guy who i used to be in band with. i was quiet the entire first week because i didn't want to say anything stupid, but one day a guy said something about adam and eve, relating to a question the teacher had asked. the guy across the table said that he didn't believe in that 'crap' and continued to tell us he was agnostic. the boy beside me quickly said he was too...but thats just what people 'said'. suddenly the quiet guy on the other side of the table said "i'm a christian and i don't care what people think about it". he doesn't know it, but that really made my day. i never speak about my religion like that. if someone asks i will certainly tell them, but i'm not bold enough to just state it into the open like that. and i thought he was scary. i have learned not to judge people on their outer appearance before, but i know these guys are sweet at heart. and they are so funny! they're really stubborn, but hopefully i can get something in their heads before the end of the semester. mitch thinks i'm an idiot, but thats cause he's only heard my input on cars and metal bands. wait till he hears me talk about something that actually interests me. i can put in a good battle.


Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
William James

Thoughts

I don't want to post any more about Jamaica except this- it was awsome and God moved in a greater way than i have ever seen. if you want to know more just ask me. This summer i have done many things and changed a lot. its surprising how a little separation from people can totally change the way you think about them. I want to do something, but i don't know what to do. i watch food network for hours, play wii fit, and cook food. whata summer. I've been getting better on guitar. thats the one scheduled thing i do every week. i like ice cream. yesterday me and sara made ice cream bread...or sara made it and i watched. it was pretty good. 1 1/2 cups flour, 2 cups any flavor ice cream. we used lemon. it was pretty good and really easy. not very lemony, but that was the ice cream's fault, not the bread. i want to try it with chocolate peanut butter ice cream. i think that would be interesting....the end.

Day 1

Day One
we arrive at the charlotte air port and say our good byes, go through customs, and sit and wait for our plane to arrive. I sat beside Caleb from charlotte to miami, read and watched out the window most of the way. Miami was beautiful. blueblue waters and big buildings everwhere. we ate chinese food and shopped, then played ninja and spoons until the second plane arrived. Miami to Kingston i dont remember who i was beside, but everyone was closer together. In the Jamaica airport a lady came over the loud speaker every once and a while to say "please do not leave any bags unattended. They will be confiscated and destroyed." nice welcome. we had some trouble getting through their customs, getting the address of where we were staying, but we got through. rode a bus, which we packed like sardines, through kingston. mountains on one side, ocean on the other. beautiful. about thirty minutes through the city we stopped for Jamaican Patties. like a fried beef taco stuffed inside a pieces of delicious bread. good, but different. we loaded the bus again and road 2 hours on a small road over a mountain, where the driver had to honk before going around a corner so we would run into someone we couldn't see. when we finally arrived, we were at a school called Marcus Garvey Technical School. barbed wire around a big cement wall circled the entire place. we unloaded and stared at the dark school with bars for doors and windows. we stayed in classrooms, girls on the bottom floor and boys on the top. we blew up our matresses and set our things on the desks stacked around the room to make it look a little more cozy. we had no idea what kind of things were around when we went to sleep that night, we just heard music from a bar a little ways off and dogs barking their heads off. i could hardly sleep, and i was scared out of my mind. the toilets had no toilet seats. the bathrooms had no toilet paper. we couldn't lock our door. we had no windows. we had no air conditioning. we had no electricity because a storm had blown it out that after noon. our particular room had no light bulbs, or light switch for that matter. wonderful first day, huh?

Felc

So i'm at free enterprise (something) camp and its pretty exxciting. my room mate is actually human. she enjoys country music and runs cross country. so....she wakes up at 5 in the morning. joyyy. i need to find someone else to go to breakfast with so i can wake up at 8. she is jealous of me :) my group is selling concessions and it shall be exciting. there are lots of hilarious people in my group, but they also have great ideas and they're really smart. this one vietnamese guy made me a origami rose and it was awsome! haha. very handy with small peices of paper. i colored it pink because it was just regular notebook paper and he said i should make it prettier. i feel sort of home sick, though i would never admit it to the other campers. they seem to be happy to be away from they're parents, but i've been away for a week. seen them for about a day since last monday. i think camp will be fun though. they'res no strenuous activities that we have to do and we don't have to be outside for long perious of time, so that shall make it pretty good. they had hamburgers for supper and my room mate was like..gross. and she got a salad. so i kinda felt like a fatty, but oh well :) i decided i would just be myself and find some friends who appreciate me for who i am. i hear boys outside...they aren't supposed to be on our hall. guess that rule has already been broken. probably multiple times and it hasn't even been a day yet. i guess thats just how people are. if they make a rule someone must break it. my room mate just ditched me for the chick across the hall. i guess they're getting along good. her room mate seems pretty nice. they both cheer. blehhh.but they seem nice. everyone here does. they just walk up and are like "hi i'm ____, i'm from ___and i go to _________school. what about you?" so i've met tons of people that way. i guess i'm less social than i thought though because i can't get up the gut to do that to anyone else. i guess being in foreign territory intimidates me. oh well. theres a really nice girl in my group, sophia. she seems like she'd be nice to hang with this week. we'll see ;) goodnight for now.

Lightening Bugs

So i think that summer should be all year round. i just got back from a wonderful bike riding adventure and catching lightening bugs with two amazing young ladies :) i soooo much wish that i could do stuff like that year round! summer is so hott and humid and stuff. but perfect for swimming...not so much tanning. not the humid part anyways. i want to go to arizona and tan because it is not humid, and then i will come home with a beautiful natural tan and all the white girls will be jeaous of me :) im pretty tan anyways...lol. but anyways: i would love to spend the rest of my life with my favorite people in the world outside catching lightening bugs under the stars in arizona where its hott but not humid. :) i would like to make a shout out to mikaella forr being awsome and mariah for allowing me to use her computer to type this (even though shes asleep and wouldn't stop me anyways!) and bay for being adorable while we caught lightening bugs and to dylan for texting me while i'm in the car so i don't get bored :) the end.

Beginning

I've never written a blog, but i write in a journal. i guess the only difference is that now other people can read it. well, i guess currently i'm excited about sleeping in tomorrow for the first time in forever. I have my second guitar lesson tomorrow evening..i should probably practice for it tonight. i think i'm coming along. i like to sing while i play. i'm not a good singer; i sing through my nose. but i still like it :) my favorite color is purple, my favorite animal is a bear (i think) i have a dog, jack. he is old, but sweet. i sing the freecreditreport.com theme songs sometimes. i love country music. i play the saxophone. i hate school. i think david archuleta is hot. i do not run with vampires, or werewolves and i've never read twilight, but the dealing with dragons series is amazing. you should read them if you havn't. i like to write poems, but i must be inspired by something, or someone, to write a good one. i get mad at people. i am stubborn. i get sick sometimes. i cry when i'm alone sometimes. but i laugh when nobodys listening, i dance like nobodys watching and i sing like nobody can hear me. cause i live life like my God wants me to, even though i disappoint him alooooott. i live happy. i try not to let the valleys keep me down. theres always a peak comming. my favorite quote is "don't just wait for the thunderstorm to pass, get out there and dance in the rain."